Preemie Parents, Two Years Out

 Babies that qualify as premature can be born anywhere between 23 weeks and 37 weeks. I knew very little about preemies before having three of my own at 31 weeks 2 days, and one thing I didn't realize was how incredibly guilty preemie moms feel. We all think: What could I have done differently? Why did this happen to me? and What is wrong with my body that made my babies be born so early? We go to the NICU day in and day out doing whatever we can for our tiny babies, which isn't much since the best thing for the babes to do is rest and grow. We try to bond through diaper changes (through portholes of isolettes), holding the babes skin-to-skin for hours at a time because it is too traumatic for a preemie to be moved too often (even though we desperately need to pee and eat), and eventually bottle feeding the babes since they are too tiny to eat directly from the breast, and many of us have trouble producing milk due to the fact that our bodies just weren't ready for the babes to be born and the fact that we are under an extreme amount of stress. The whole NICU experience basically sucks because you feel helpless and you don't feel like your baby's mother since the nurses do most of the care. We were fortunate that our NICU doctors, nurses, and therapists were great and listened to us, but they couldn't do anything to "make" me feel like a new mom.

Once premature babes come home, though, there is still guilt. You compare your babes to other babies around you. Are they eating as much, gaining as much weight, and meeting milestones? For many preemies the answer inevitably is "no." It's not that us preemie parents are doing anything wrong as we would all give our right leg to have our babes full-term, healthy, and caught up developmentally, but we feel guilty. Maybe we aren't feeding them the right formula. Maybe they would be doing better if I could breastfeed (if I had any milk!). Maybe they would be doing better if they didn't spend the first 6 weeks to 2 months in the hospital (in our case). And they would definitely be doing better if I was better at being pregnant and kept them in full-term!

And on top of the preemie guilt, for us there was the triplet guilt. When our babes first came home from the hospital they were on a three hour feeding schedule, and it took 30 minutes to feed each one of them so I only had a 90 minute break between feedings when I was on my own. I often thought: I'm not holding them enough because I don't have any time between bottle feedings, burping, washing bottles, making formula, changing diapers, and giving myself 10 minutes to go to the bathroom and eat something. I carried around a lot of guilt because my babes did not get treated as typical newborns do, since I was just so busy and exhausted with everything I did to meet their basic needs.

Now that we are approaching Alexis, Jack, and Faith's 2nd birthday, Micah and I have been talking a lot about how thankful we are that they are caught up to their peers in their development.  I've also been reflecting on the days leading up to their birth and the two months that we spent in the NICU. Everything about the pregnancy, delivery, and months in the hospital were hard and I thought I would never forget what it felt like, but somehow the memories are starting to fade. But when I look at photos of our tiny babies I feel overwhelmed with emotion. I remember how embarrassed Micah and I were of the wires and the fact that the average weight of our babies was 3 lbs., so we didn't want to post any photos on Facebook since we thought people wouldn't understand and that everyone would think our babes were sick. We were lucky that our babes weren't actually sick, just small and premature so they needed time in the hospital to grow, but that fact doesn't change how a CPAP looks on a 3 lb. newborn baby.

Premature, 3 lb-ers aren't cute, squishy babies. And CPAP masks suck as I shed many tears over the fact that I didn't even know what our babes looked like for the first few weeks of their lives since the masks covered most of their faces. No one looks at photos of preemies and thinks, oh, now I want a baby of my own! Although we were embarrassed to share photos soon after our babes were born, I have decided that I want to share photos from the early days now so that readers of my blog have a bit more of an understanding of our journey. I know that I often post about how amazing our kids are, but one reason I do that is because I spent so many hours in the hospital with them and at home in the early months wondering: Will they ever catch up? What will it be like to have triplets? Will I ever feel normal again after this experience? Will we survive this?

My heart breaks for all of the preemie parents out there. I know that all of us have deep wounds from the experience, and we all carry guilt with us no matter how long our babes were in the NICU or how long it's been since they were discharged. But we also know how strong and amazing our babes are as we once saw them so tiny and frail.

Micah changing Alexis' diaper on the day she was born. I was too weak and exhausted to do this myself, but he stepped right up to the task!

Micah holding Alexis the day she was born.

Micah and I looking at Jack on the day he was born. We didn't have time to do skin-to-skin holding with him on the day he was born (another sad fact of triplets is the lack of time, even in the NICU).

Alexis with an IV in her head and a ginormous pacifier (which she used up until May 10, 2015).

Micah holding Faith when she was two days old.

Jack staring out of his isolette when he was four days old. He still sleeps with his tiger blanket, but now he is MUCH bigger than it! 

Jack next to his Tiger blanket this morning.

Me holding Faith (2 days old) while the nurse fixed the lead on her foot. I don't think Faith had an ounce of fat at 2 lbs 13 oz. Her eyes were covered as she had been under the bili lights (all of our babes were under those for a couple of days).

Alexis holding her 13 inch doll. Our babes were all in the 14-15 inch range when they were born, so not much longer than the doll!

Faith in the tub at the NICU. 

Faith in the NICU tub this morning

Jack in the tub at the NICU

Alexis, this morning, showing how big they are compared to the tub now.